Friday, September 9, 2011

Yay! Time for another baby!!!

I suppose now that I've managed to make it past the half way mark in my pregnancy, it's time to blog about it.  I've been a nervous nut, afraid to be too excited, but secretly praying I'd somehow get over the half way mark time time around.  Well, as of two weeks ago, I made it!  I'm on week 22 and LOVING LIFE.  The little one in my uterus is kicking like crazy, and I think it's because she has to know how nervous I am that she won't make it.  YES...I said SHE.  We found out at 16 weeks and then confirmed last week that we're having another girl!  How cute is this ultrasound pic?

Or this one?

Yes, that's a smile.  My little angel is obviously happy to be in there...and she lets me know...ALL DAY LONG. 

I was afraid my girls wouldn't be too excited about a girl, but it turns out, they are!  We went to Babies R Us and they were like maniacs!  They were throwing close into the cart faster than I could pull them out and we left with $200 worth of baby stuff.  In only a few short months we'll be welcoming our little angel into our home.  I can't wait!


Sunday, April 10, 2011

I think I'm probably going to be okay...

Well, hopefully at least.  I'm starting to feel more human again.  I'm less depressed, but still cry anytime I think about the baby.  I try not to because the kids aren't used to seeing me cry, but sometimes I do still break down.  Last week I had another blood test to see if my hCG levels finally went back down to normal so we could start trying again and was slightly disappointed to hear they were back to normal.  I shouldn't have been, obviously, common sense tells me to be happy they've finally returned to normal, but I couldn't help it.  In my head, I think I just felt like that was the last part of the baby, finally leaving.  I have nothing left of the baby. 

Everyone tries to tell me that I should be happy for what I've got, two amazing daughters, and just accept that God may not have wanted me to have more than 2 children.  I try my hardest to ignore those comments.  If I wanted to have ten children, I would!  I adore my little girls, they're the best thing that ever happened to me, but now I have a hole in my heart, and it won't be healed until I have another baby. 

I had two people congratulate me last week.  While I feel like I have a handle on this loss, the congratulations still kill me.  I instantly tear up and try to smile and say thank you.  I can't even get the words out.  I know I'll see the same sad faces that I always do when someone finds out I lost the baby.  I can't bear to see those faces.  The fact is, chances are, they DON'T know what I'm going thru.  Chances are, I have now put them in an awkward spot and all they can think of is how to run far away from our awkward conversation. 

This loss has shown me an entirely new side to some people though.  People who have had similar losses have come out of the wood work.  So many people have dealt with this, it's unbelieveable!  It really has helped to talk to other people about it.  I really feel like if they can make it thru and even live to have more children, then there is some how hope for me.  I've found an amazing facebook group too of other women going thru a similar process.  They're my sounding board for days when I want to strangle someone, scream in frustration, or just cry.  I'm grateful for them in ways I can't even express in words. 

I guess the moral of my story is, I'm making it thru.  One day at a time.  And at some point, hopefully sooner, rather than later, I'll have my baby.  This one just wasn't meant to be.  The next one will be though, hopefully. 


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Having a Rough Time...

It's been a hard few weeks in our house.  The excitement over the new baby turned into sadness on March 11th.  After being in extreme pain and having lots of miscarriage symptoms, my husband drove me to the hospital and after 4 LONG hours there, I realized one of my worst fears.  I miscarried the baby.  Never in my wildest dreams did it ever occur to me that I could lose my baby.  I've spent my entire life trying to PREVENT pregnancy, and the one time I was over the top excited about having a baby, I lose him/her.  It just does seem fair.  The first week after, I stayed home, cried a lot, and got mad at everyone.  I couldn't understand why no one else understood how much pain I was in.  Everyone was nice to me, but no one knew what to say.  Lots of people said I have two children I should be thankful for, which of course I am!  BUT, that doesn't mean I'm not mourning the loss of my third child.  No one seems to understand that piece. 

Then there's my husband.  This miscarriage scared him.  Big time.  I honestly believe he thought I was going to die.  I'm not a complainer.  When I called him at work on a Friday afternoon and told him that I needed him to come home immediately to take me to the hospital, he knew it was something big.  And it was...I had lost our baby.  He was worried about me and I was worried about the baby.  I fell into depression.  I couldn't eat, I cried constantly, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't function.  At all.  I stayed home for a week.  I tried to go out, but both times I left the house I ran into someone that congradulated me on my pregnancy.  Both times I had breakdowns.  Once at the girls' cheerleading gym, and once at the gas station.  That fixed it.  I stayed home the rest of the week.  My husband was afraid to have another baby because he was afraid this would happen again.  So am I!  But that doesn't keep me from wanting to have another one.  There is a hole in my heart that was left by the miscarriage.  The only thing that can possibly repair it is another baby.  It won't replace the one that I lost, but it will help ease my pain.  He just doesn't get that. 

He's starting to though.  Or at least he's pretending like he's starting to get it.  While he isn't jumping up and down at the thought of trying for another baby, he's going along with it. He saw me in the maternity ward at the hospital getting my Rhogam shot and knew it would break my heart to never be there again for a GOOD reason.  He knows me.  I NEED this baby.

The good news is, things are looking up.  I'm half way thru my second week back at work and I've only cried at work twice.  Luckily both times were in the bathroom so no one witnessed it.  I'm finally able to talk about it now too.  That has to be a good thing too, right? 

I've turned into a fertillity fanatic though.  I know myself.  When things go bad, I obsess over the part of it that I can control, and in this case, that's my fertility.  I'm charting, temping, using ovulation predictor kits, etc.  Pretty much whatever I can control this time, I will.  I want to know EXACTLY when I'm fertile so I can get pregnant again.  I switched OB's, and this new one is AMAZING!  She said that as soon as my body's ready to conceive again, it'll let me know by ovulating.  No worries about conceiving too early (which the other doctor wanted to wait...3 FREAKING MONTHS!) so I'm tracking and patiently waiting for the notification that my body is in fact, ready to conceive again. 

Fingers crossed it works this time!


Thursday, March 10, 2011

Finally, my 2nd Ultrasound Appointment has Arrived!!!

It has been a grueling two weeks!  I've been so nervous to find out what's going on with little Baby Rea, that I've been stressing over it constantly.  I've turned into what I never imagined I'd become, a crazy pregnant woman.  Last Friday they were FINALLY able to get all of my blood work completed.  I have unusually small veins, which lead to 5 visits to different labs in hopes of finding one person that could get blood out of me.  After 4 labs had stuck me 15 times, I finally found a miracle woman named Kelly that stuck me once and got all of the blood she needed.  It was beautiful.  Unfortunately, my blood tests weren't 100% fantastic.  I have low progesterone, which can lead to miscarriages!  The LPN at the doctor's office told me not to worry, because my hCG levels were high, and prescribed a progesterone supplement.  I've been taking it religiously with hopes that my little bean can stay in my uterus until the 40 weeks is up. 

Then, last night, I started spotting!  Anyone that has been pregnant knows, spotting is scary.  It's unexpected, and while the doctor's office said I should be fine and to just be on pelvic rest for a little while, I'm panicked!  The good news is, today is my 2nd ultrasound appointment anyway, so they'll be able to confirm everything is still going well with the bambino. 

Praying for good news at 11:30 today!!!  Here's my pregnancy update:

How Far Along: 9 Weeks

Total Weight Loss/Gain: None yet, I'll know when I have my next appointment.

Maternity Clothes: I finally got my Bella Band and new maternity shirts in!  They're fantastic!  They don't look like maternity clothes, so they're perfect for wearing now because they don't fit as tight around my stomach and hide the fact that I'm constantly bloated now!  The Bella Band is a lifesaver!  You know how sometimes you're so bloated that you want to unbutton your jeans?  That's where the Bella Band comes in!  It hides the button and smoothes everything out so no one will know, and it helps hold your jeans up!  I think I should have ordered 10 of them.  One in every color!

Stretch Marks: No new ones, only the crappy ones from my last two pregnancies.

Sleep: I've been sleeping like a baby!  Other than the horrific nightmares I'm having about miscarriage!

Best Moments of the Week: When the lab tech looked at me and said "we've found a good vein!"  I almost hugged her!
Belly Button: Still in, and chances are it will remain that way since it did with both of my other pregnancies.

Craving: Caffeine! I fell off the wagon and have decided that one Diet Dr. Pepper a day isn't going to hurt anything.  I even asked the doctor's office and they said it's FINE!

What I Am Looking Forward to: My ultrasound.  I just want some type of confirmation that everything is okay so I can stop feeling like a lunatic!
Okay, that's all for now!  I'll take a picture of the ultrasound photo and post it later!
Steph (aka the Pregnant Lunatic)

Thursday, March 3, 2011

We're having another BABY!!!

If you'd have told me a year ago that I'd be announcing my pregnancy to the world in February/March, I'd have thought you were crazy.  Mackenzie is 10 and Maddie is 7 and I genuinely thought that God meant for us to be a family of four forever.  We are so excited and although we hope the same thing all parents do, for a healthy, happy, baby, I can't help but hope for a son!  I love my daughters and if given another daughter, I would be just as happy as I was when I found out I was having my first two girls, but a son...a girl can dream, right?

I feel like maybe this pregnancy was meant to be.  With Mackenzie, I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant.  I had to hide it from everyone, including my parents until I was so far along and showing that I had to tell everyone.  I didn't get the typical "congrats" from friends and family because an unwed, teenage, mother isn't something people get excited about.  With Madison, I was 20, and although I was living on my own and raising Mackenzie on my own, I still couldn't get as excited about the pregnancy because I was still unwed and young.  My now husband, Doug, had been there since the day 1 and I knew he'd continue to be an amazing father, but our lack of engagement didn't exactly thrill people.  Was it too much to think that we would want to wait for marriage until we were 100% sure we were perfect for each other?  Apparently so, if you asked pretty much everyone around us at the time. 

Fast forward to now.  We're obviously married, and raising the best kids in the world.  Mackenzie is HILARIOUS.  I swear some day she's going to be a comedian.  Everywhere we go she's cracking jokes and is always the center of attention.  Madison is a star.  She excels at everything she attempts!  She's an amazing cheerleader/tumbler and at age 6, already had her backhandspring!  For those that have done backhandsprings, that's not a simple feat.  Not for Maddie, she wanted it and after a few weeks of coaching by the ever talented Coach David at Pride Cheerleading Gym, she got it!  Now she's 7 and working on her roundoff series with two backhandsprings! 

We have a very busy life, so obviously another baby wasn't in the plans.  BUT, we also have two of the best children to help us with the new baby.  I get to redo all of the things I wish I could have done differently with Mackenzie & Madison!  I get to be EXCITED about my pregnancy because now that we're married and older, everyone else is excited about our pregnancy!  I get to plan ahead!  Anyone that knows me, knows I'm a planner.  I plan our yearly Disney vacations at least 6 months out!  This doesn't mean I book the trip 6 months out.  This means I can tell you which park we're going to and what we're eating for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 180 days prior to our trip.  I even have a binder that I take with us that has daily schedules and tips for things that we must stop and do at each park.  Needless to say, I'm excited to plan ahead for the baby.  I've already started buying diapers!  One thing I wish I'd known back when I had the girls was to buy diapers NOW so I didn't have to buy them the first year.  There are SO many expenses to get used to, it only makes sense to stock up on something that will never go bad, and can always be returned to Wal-mart if you bought too many of the wrong size. 

I guess I've rambled on long enough, so I'll just wrap it up by answering the questions that I saw on another blog with a pregnant mother.  I thought it would be fun to do this every week so I have a pregnancy diary to look back on later. 

How Far Along:  8 Weeks
Total Weight Loss/Gain:  None yet, I'll know when I have my next appointment.
Maternity Clothes:  I don't need any yet, but I just ordered a Bella Band and 4 new shirts!
Stretch Marks:  No new ones, only the crappy ones from my last two pregnancies.
Sleep:  What sleep?  I'm up all night peeing!
Best Moments of the Week:  My morning sickness appears to have worn off, I'm now able to eat again!
Belly Button:  Still in, and chances are it will remain that way since it did with both of my other pregnancies.
Craving:  Caffeine!  I just want a dang Diet Dr. Pepper!!!
What I Am Looking Forward to:  My ultrasound next Thursday!  I went last Thursday and they thought that perhaps I wasn't as far along as I calculated based on my LMP, so I have to go back in next Thursday to hopefully see a lot more progress.

That's it for now!  Sorry this was such a long post, but I can't help it, I'm SO EXCITED!!!


P.S.  Here's a cute picture of my girls taken right before a cheer competition in December.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

In Memory of Cohen

If you haven't read the Cohen's story, you should.  My thoughts and prayers are with his family.