Well, hopefully at least. I'm starting to feel more human again. I'm less depressed, but still cry anytime I think about the baby. I try not to because the kids aren't used to seeing me cry, but sometimes I do still break down. Last week I had another blood test to see if my hCG levels finally went back down to normal so we could start trying again and was slightly disappointed to hear they were back to normal. I shouldn't have been, obviously, common sense tells me to be happy they've finally returned to normal, but I couldn't help it. In my head, I think I just felt like that was the last part of the baby, finally leaving. I have nothing left of the baby.
Everyone tries to tell me that I should be happy for what I've got, two amazing daughters, and just accept that God may not have wanted me to have more than 2 children. I try my hardest to ignore those comments. If I wanted to have ten children, I would! I adore my little girls, they're the best thing that ever happened to me, but now I have a hole in my heart, and it won't be healed until I have another baby.
I had two people congratulate me last week. While I feel like I have a handle on this loss, the congratulations still kill me. I instantly tear up and try to smile and say thank you. I can't even get the words out. I know I'll see the same sad faces that I always do when someone finds out I lost the baby. I can't bear to see those faces. The fact is, chances are, they DON'T know what I'm going thru. Chances are, I have now put them in an awkward spot and all they can think of is how to run far away from our awkward conversation.
This loss has shown me an entirely new side to some people though. People who have had similar losses have come out of the wood work. So many people have dealt with this, it's unbelieveable! It really has helped to talk to other people about it. I really feel like if they can make it thru and even live to have more children, then there is some how hope for me. I've found an amazing facebook group too of other women going thru a similar process. They're my sounding board for days when I want to strangle someone, scream in frustration, or just cry. I'm grateful for them in ways I can't even express in words.
I guess the moral of my story is, I'm making it thru. One day at a time. And at some point, hopefully sooner, rather than later, I'll have my baby. This one just wasn't meant to be. The next one will be though, hopefully.
Surfing Sunday 09.24
10 hours ago