Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Having a Rough Time...

It's been a hard few weeks in our house.  The excitement over the new baby turned into sadness on March 11th.  After being in extreme pain and having lots of miscarriage symptoms, my husband drove me to the hospital and after 4 LONG hours there, I realized one of my worst fears.  I miscarried the baby.  Never in my wildest dreams did it ever occur to me that I could lose my baby.  I've spent my entire life trying to PREVENT pregnancy, and the one time I was over the top excited about having a baby, I lose him/her.  It just does seem fair.  The first week after, I stayed home, cried a lot, and got mad at everyone.  I couldn't understand why no one else understood how much pain I was in.  Everyone was nice to me, but no one knew what to say.  Lots of people said I have two children I should be thankful for, which of course I am!  BUT, that doesn't mean I'm not mourning the loss of my third child.  No one seems to understand that piece. 

Then there's my husband.  This miscarriage scared him.  Big time.  I honestly believe he thought I was going to die.  I'm not a complainer.  When I called him at work on a Friday afternoon and told him that I needed him to come home immediately to take me to the hospital, he knew it was something big.  And it was...I had lost our baby.  He was worried about me and I was worried about the baby.  I fell into depression.  I couldn't eat, I cried constantly, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't function.  At all.  I stayed home for a week.  I tried to go out, but both times I left the house I ran into someone that congradulated me on my pregnancy.  Both times I had breakdowns.  Once at the girls' cheerleading gym, and once at the gas station.  That fixed it.  I stayed home the rest of the week.  My husband was afraid to have another baby because he was afraid this would happen again.  So am I!  But that doesn't keep me from wanting to have another one.  There is a hole in my heart that was left by the miscarriage.  The only thing that can possibly repair it is another baby.  It won't replace the one that I lost, but it will help ease my pain.  He just doesn't get that. 

He's starting to though.  Or at least he's pretending like he's starting to get it.  While he isn't jumping up and down at the thought of trying for another baby, he's going along with it. He saw me in the maternity ward at the hospital getting my Rhogam shot and knew it would break my heart to never be there again for a GOOD reason.  He knows me.  I NEED this baby.

The good news is, things are looking up.  I'm half way thru my second week back at work and I've only cried at work twice.  Luckily both times were in the bathroom so no one witnessed it.  I'm finally able to talk about it now too.  That has to be a good thing too, right? 

I've turned into a fertillity fanatic though.  I know myself.  When things go bad, I obsess over the part of it that I can control, and in this case, that's my fertility.  I'm charting, temping, using ovulation predictor kits, etc.  Pretty much whatever I can control this time, I will.  I want to know EXACTLY when I'm fertile so I can get pregnant again.  I switched OB's, and this new one is AMAZING!  She said that as soon as my body's ready to conceive again, it'll let me know by ovulating.  No worries about conceiving too early (which the other doctor wanted to wait...3 FREAKING MONTHS!) so I'm tracking and patiently waiting for the notification that my body is in fact, ready to conceive again. 

Fingers crossed it works this time!


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