Sunday, April 18, 2010

Random Sunday Ramblings...

I've been in a bit of a funk lately.  I can't quite put my finger on exaclty what it is that's been bothering me (truthfully, everything appears to be bothering me) and that aggravates me.  I want to know what my problem is, so I can fix it.  Some ideas:

I am almost 27 and I am not where I imagined I would be when I got this close to the big 3-0.  Ten years ago I was wrapping up my junior year of high school with high hopes of how awesome college life would be.  Well guess what?  I didn't go to college.  I got pregnant.  College was put on hold so I could scramble to provide for the most amazing child ever.  It was hard.  I spent almost the entire first two years of Mackenzie's life living with my parents, DYING to move out.  I did, and things just got harder.  Who would have thought that it was near impossible to come up with money for a mortgage, utilities, AND daycare?  The state of IL was no help, apparently you have to be making minimum wage to qualify for any type of support.  Lucky me, but then again, that's my luck.  Looking back, I'm glad I had to tough it out.  It made me appreciate every penny a lot more.  I've never had anything handed to me, and I'm glad.  I don't take anything for granted. 

Yes...I think that is part of what's aggravating me.  If you'd have asked me what I'd be doing in 2010, I'd have thought I'd be a lot better off than I am now.  I'm in a rut at work.  What was once a job I loved, is now one I dread.  I take that back, that's not entirely true.  Nine months ago we had a major layoff and I ended up in a HORRIBLE department.  I went from working independently and being appreciated to being micromanaged and treated like a slacker.  That's what I hate.  It's not the job, it's the way you're treated in the department.  Work is DEFINITELY a source of aggravation for me lately.

My husband is also driving me nuts.  He and I have completely different views on life.  I feel like I really try to go above and beyond to keep our marriage together for our children, and I'm starting to wonder if that's the right decision.   We fight constantly, and feel more like brother and sister than husband and wife.  Every time I tell him that I think we need to consider breaking up our marriage, things change for a few weeks and I feel guilty, as if everything is my fault.  How dare I even remotely consider taking my children's father away from them?  I was a child with divorced parents, and I know how hard it is on kids.  I would NEVER want to do that to my girls.  So I stick it out, and become bitter toward him.  Even when he doesn't deserve it. 

Lucky for me, hail season is starting up and at my company, that equals busy season.  I'll be working non-stop and running the kids to cheer practice every night.  I won't have time for bitterness, I'll be too busy.  That's exactly what I need right now. 

But for now, I just keep on baking.  Today I made an incredible brownie/cookie masterpiece that tasted like a little slice of heaven!  It's from one of my favorite blogs, Bake at 350, and is heavenly!!!   After I got that in the oven, I took out the rest of my aggravation on a piece of hot pink fondant.  I had to get a cake board covered so I can get ready to make my class finale cake.  Pictures will be posted in another week!

Have a great Sunday!  I promise I'll be back to normal by tomorrow!!!

1 comment:

  1. Aw, my sweet friend! You can be however you want to be... that's what I have learned after all of this business called LIFE!

    I, too, am nowhere near where I thought I would be with 30 just around the corner (eek! next year!) but you are doing the very best that you know how right?

    You need to just take care of yourself, because while I think that YES my kids are going to have it tougher coming from a broken home - they are also going to have a mother that can give them her all. Not saying that this is the answer for you - but you get what I'm getting at right?

    Take care of yourself, and you will be able to take care of those little monkey's :)

    You know where to find me if you ever need to talk!!